#124: How to Have a High Mindset When Dealing With Negative People
We have all had trolls in our life.
Negative people who have a chip on their shoulder or have something going on that maybe you don't know about.
In 20 years of entrepreneurship, I certainly have had my fair share.
I've had employees steal customer lists, intellectual property, and start their own businesses. I have been attacked online, by people I didn't even know.
So as somebody who is an entrepreneur who cares deeply about your audience and the experience that others have in your presence, how do you deal with this BS?
That's something that I want to share with you in today's podcast, which is how to have a high mindset when dealing with a negative person.
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Laura 00:00
We like to call them trolls, negative people, somebody who has a chip on their shoulder, they have something going on that maybe you don't know about. And they come after you in a really negative way, you may or may not know them. And then 20 years of entrepreneurship, I certainly have had my fair share. This is a question that I had received recently from one of my students, and I wanted to answer it not only for her, but for you as well. Because when I started answering it, I realized I had a lot to say about this topic. After being in business for as long as I have, I have experienced the best and the worst in people, as you can imagine. I've had employees steal customer list, intellectual property, start their own businesses, I have been attacked online, from people I didn't even know. And if you think this only happens to people who are doing it alright, and perfectly and nice to everybody and you know, you're safe if you operate from those values, it's really honestly a matter of when not if that negative people are going to come your way. So as somebody who is an entrepreneur who cares deeply about your audience and the experience that others have in your presence, how do you deal with this BS, and that's something that I want to share with you in today's podcast, which is how to have a high mindset when dealing with a negative person. Welcome to next level leap, a podcast where we dive into the mindset and strategies of scaling your company and creating a legacy brand. As a top growth strategist, multi passionate entrepreneur, membership site owner, trainer, speaker, author and mom to three, I love exploring the journey of how we as founders can multiply our income impact and influence by landing on the other side of our next big leap. Let's get started.
Laura 01:56
About a decade ago, maybe even longer, I was expanding my photo studio business into a new geographic market. I had had a small little operation in a side street of a small city near where I live. And I went into the suburbs with my concept into a much larger location in a high profile shopping center. What I didn't know at that time is that I was encroaching on the quote unquote territory of another photographer that had been around for a long time won lots of awards from the professional association that was popular at that time, and really saw my move as an encroachment on her territory. She even took it as a personal offense. How do I know? Because within a few weeks of me announcing that our studio would be expanding into that market, one Friday night, I was looking at my blog, which is how we all marketed our businesses back then there was no Facebook, there was no social media, there was no Instagram, we all blogged. And on my blog where I frequently posted, there were some horrible comments. They were saying things like, this is not how you photograph people. This is an incorrect image. You are a terrible photographer. How could you take photos like this, and I was mortified. And shortly afterwards, I went into some of the popular photography websites at that time and there were all of these customer reviews left by somebody who I didn't recognize their name and their wedding date, you know, certainly didn't match up with any dates on my calendar. And I started getting really upset and contacted the websites and
had the reviews taken down. And then I also decided to figure out who it was that we were leaving these terrible comments. So I spent a lot of energy and effort and took it upon myself to figure out the IP address of who left these comments on the blog, and then researched the address of the IP address and then figured out where the person lived that owned that IP address. I mean, I could have given myself an award for technical sleuthing and really had no background in it at all up until that point, I then sent her a cease and desist letter of which she retaliated in a really horrible way. And we end up going back and forth for months. And until I provided the proof that it was her through the IP addresses to the professional associations. And oh my goodness, you can just imagine the drama. I felt so violated and hurt at that time. And from that I learned a really hard lesson. This is inevitable in business. It's not that somebody else is wrong or you are right or that you're right and they're wrong. And honestly, when you pursue that path with somebody who has been very negative in your business, the only person that wins is the lawyer who's collecting all the fees as you go back and forth with one another. So in business, how do you deal with a negative person? I would say in that situation, I probably wasted a lot of time and money that could have gone elsewhere, when I was in the midst of opening a flagship, what would become a flagship studio for my brand? So I think the first thing that I would recommend that we look at is, is this person going to make a significant impact on my business? As much as I want it to be right in the example provided previously, the truth is, once the comments were taken down off my blog, which I was able to do myself, and they were taken down off of the photography, review websites, I really had nothing else that needed to be done, in order to prevent harm to my business or to myself, it was just trying to be right. And the truth is, is that energy spent being right or wrong about a situation is energy that's going to take you from doing other things that could be better spent elsewhere. And the truth is, is that right and wrong, for the most part as a mental construct, if I go back 12 years, and I asked this nasty photographer, whether or not she was right and doing what it is that she was doing, she'd probably justify her actions with her own thought model. She probably thought that it was a personal attack that I was going into her quote, unquote, territory, and that I didn't deserve to have the success that I was having. Because I didn't have all of the certifications and the checkmarks and the accolades that she had worked hard to earn. Now, whether or not that was relevant in the marketplace is another story. But as a person of faith, this may seem like a very strange statement that I'm about to make. But the truth is, is that right and wrong is very relative, and it's a mental game. And if you track with me here for a minute, when you see battles play out online, or you've encountered your own battle, who is right and who is wrong? Well, it really depends on the perspective in which you're viewing the problem. And yes, it gives us a dopamine hit, we can our adrenaline going when we participate in any type of public or private conflict. But my challenge to anybody who's participating is at what cost at what cost is it consuming us where we could be thinking and focusing more on the future of our business, where we want to go, where it is that we are headed. And knowing the amount of effort and energy that it takes to grow a business, create those massive leaps, planned for the future, make sure that your business structure and your
marketing and your sales and your operations are in sync with the growth of your business and that you are set up for success not only today, but in the future, the amount of brain power, all of that takes and challenge yourself with how much energy do you really have for negativity outside of those activities.
Laura 08:06
For me, personally, I’m very protective at this point, having three kids and being in the midst of multiple growing businesses, I only have energy for so much. And so I'm very cautious to guard my heart, guard my thoughts, guard my emotions, by only paying attention to the work that is most important to me, and not allowing myself to get distracted by somebody else's negativity. When it comes to negativity with people that you do know, it's not somebody who you've never met and has lots of horrible things to say about you. Maybe somebody that you're in business with, maybe it's somebody that you hired or that you partnered up with, or that you are doing work with. And sometimes these relationships do go sideways. And what I like to look at when this happens is to be honest with myself on my contribution to that situation. And so a lot of times we might go into something with an intention that isn't realistic, given the situation. Sometimes our intention was maybe to get something out of a relationship on either side that was implied or not totally transparent, or outside the structure or the boundaries that you either set up for yourself, or for the other person. I'll say for myself, not keeping people to their agreements, so that they are happy with me, has been my contribution to many of the negative situations that I've found myself in over the years in business, whether it's keeping somebody to a scope agreement, or to properly vetting a person that I'm partnering with or that I'm hiring in order to complete a large project, or looking deeply into a program and asking the right questions, so that I know whether or not it's the right thing for me at this time. Sometimes we make these large investments in things, or we hire somebody quickly, because we're just trying to get through the problem. Rather than taking our time and being patient with something, vetting it out properly. Now, you know, there's this balance here with everything that I'm saying that you don't want to get into this, like analysis paralysis, where you're not making decisions, or you're not making hires, because you're so cautious. And you're so careful that everything takes so long that your business doesn't grow, right. And I've definitely been on that side of things after a big mistake, as well. But knowing that balance between what many of us experience as having a QuickStart personality as entrepreneurs, and knowing what questions to ask, what processes to go through, and most importantly, when something smells funny, check it out.
Laura 10:54
When I look back on some of my most negative situations with people who are close to me, many times, I think that there was maybe something sad or something they did that seemed really strange, and it didn't add up. But I blew it off, I wanted to keep going, I wanted to keep moving forward, I wanted to keep growing the business, or maybe it was a team member that
was really helpful to have them in that seat. And I wasn't necessarily looking to create a large disruption at that time. You obviously don't want to be paranoid, but I really want to encourage you to check things out. I was recently in the process of making a new hire. And the story that the person was telling me just didn't seem right. So I started looking at her social media, and I realized that she had worked for somebody that I knew. So I messaged that person and said, What do you think about the work of this individual? Did she operate within integrity? Was she reliable? What's your sense of what it is that she contributed to your business, and the woman alarmingly messaged me back and said, she's still working for me full time, which was not disclosed to me during the interview process. Needless to say, the whole thing kind of blew up. And I felt really bad for the person that I messaged because she thought she had this full time reliable employee. And she soon realized that the person was looking. But had that been disclosed to me that there was a full time working relationship still in progress, I would have never reached out to a current employer without permission. What I was told is that she wasn't working at the time. And so in navigating all of this, at first, I felt really bad. Like, oh, my gosh, I, you know, created this friction for the person that was the candidate for this position, as well as their employer. And then shortly afterwards, I had to remind myself, this was something that I checked out, because my intuition was telling me something was off. And I'm really glad I did. And finally, I like to ask myself, what would the 10 year from now, self say to me today? I'm 44 at the time of recording this podcast, what would the 54 year old Laura say to me, what would the 60 or 70 year old Laura, say to me? The vision of not who I am today, but who I'm aspiring to be, what would she tell myself about this situation. And I really want to be careful here, because what I'm about to advise you, I don't want it to be taken in the wrong way. But what I have found is what's missing from many situations is ownership. And when we look at the decisions that we're making about who we're surrounding ourselves with, and the negativity that we tolerate, or don't tolerate, in our lives and our business, what I would recommend is that within that lens of wisdom, looking forward of who your future self is, and what her or his opinion is of the situation, to inject extreme ownership, which of course, I'm not talking about victim blaming, which is why do you not want this to be taken the wrong way. Victim blaming is toxic and harmful. But moving forward, what's that wisdom you can carry forward without harming yourself? But also, by looking forwards and leading yourself into that new version of who you're becoming as a result of growing your business? I've heard the saying, and you may have heard it as well, that at a certain point in life, there's no victims only volunteers. So thinking about what decisions that I make, either consciously or unconsciously. What can I carry forward in terms of wisdom, knowing that everything that happens was supposed to happen the way it did, and that you will continue to learn the same lessons sometimes until it totally sinks in and you can carry that wisdom forward.
Laura 14:51
I'll say that when it comes to life and business, the Laura today, the 44 year old Laura does not taller I hate the level of negativity in my life or my business that I did when I was 34 or 24.
Having been an entrepreneur for 20 years, there's been all sorts of crazy things that happened. And that photographer who left the nasty blog comments well don't you know, I still see her from time to time. And when I look at her, I have mixed feelings. It's of protectiveness, and cautiousness, but also empathy. When I look back on the 30 year old self, where I was so upset and so angry about that situation. When I felt so wronged and felt as though she was victimizing me. I realized that my contribution was allowing myself to get caught up in her drama. Cyrus Chang is widely known as a government mediator and labor troubles in the 1930s. He is credited with saying, I learned a long time ago never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty, and besides the pig likes it, and not to call anybody or any situation a pig. But it does go to show that when we allow ourselves energetically to get caught up in somebody else's negativity, we have to look back and be responsible for our own contribution and allowing that to happen. Today, I have healthy boundaries with my clients, we operate within an agreed upon scope, they get great results within that scope. And I also make sure that when somebody comes my way, that they have deserved the trust, and the honor of being in my inner circle. And while that might sound extreme, it's through my hard lessons learned that you really need to make sure that when you are investing your most valuable asset, which is your time into somebody, that they have the shared values, and they operate by the same principles that you do. So that you can turn that interaction into a mutually beneficial relationship. Relationship can show up through a partnership through an employee agreement through a client relationship. But the one thing that I am much quicker to do now than I ever was, is to eliminate the negativity from my life so that I can accomplish the goals and the vision that I have not only for my business, but the people that I want to help the most. This has been one of the toughest aspects of personal development for me personally and growing a business is navigating the challenges when negativity comes your way. Is it just a one-time situation or a one off? Is it consistently going to be this way with this individual is and how do I gracefully exit out of something so that there's no finger pointing? There's no blaming, there's no right or wrong. There's just what is right for me in this season, given the limited amount of time and energy that I have. So I hope this is helpful if you enjoyed this podcast or if you know somebody who was encountering a negative partnership, client, employee boss situation, please send this along to them. I really hope that my experiences in navigating these challenges helps to bless other people who might be trying to work through the same.
Laura 18:10
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The Scale with Joy podcast dives into the mindset and strategies of scaling your company to the million dollar mark and beyond. Each week, we follow the journeys of innovators, disruptors, experts and leaders - sharing behind the scenes stories of their most challenging moments and greatest lessons learned-all while building their multi-million dollar empires.